Difficult Decisions

There is no easy way for me to tell you this, so I am just going to put it out there. I am coming home in 2 weeks. Those of you who know me well know that I have been struggled with depression for a very long time. I have really been struggling with it the last few months and it has gotten to the point where it is getting worse with every week that passes. This has been one of the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make, even more difficult than the decision to come to Tanzania. But I am at a point where I cannot continue this battle on my own. I need help which I cannot get here and I need to return home so I can figure out what is wrong with me.

I think one of the hardest parts of this is that I am happy! Life in Dodoma is slowly growing on me, I love the people I work with, and I love my work! Yet despite this, there is a sadness deep inside me that will not go away. I cry at the drop of a hat, wake up most mornings with a wet pillow from crying in my sleep and struggle to get out of bed. I don’t know where this sadness is coming from and it is getting stronger as time passes. I am eating healthy, exercising, spending time with friends and I even increased my medication, but it is not helping. It breaks my heart to leave here just as I am getting started with my work, but I have to put myself first.

The people around me here in Tanzania have been amazing and so supportive. I do not think I would have made it this far without them or been able to make this difficult decision. Thank You TIffanee and Albert, Jasmine and Chloe, all who are in Dodoma; Mike and Maguy and Lisa in Arusha; and to my 2^nd family in Iringa, Amanda, Will and Kerrie, including the dancing crew, George, Maria, Goze and Janneke!

I don't know when, but I will be back again, at least to visit!

Bugs

Termites busy in the office.

 And here is a taste of what bugs such as fleas and mosquitoes can do to your feet around here :) And yes, it's really ITCHY!!

Yup, that is what my left and right feet and lower legs look like right now. At least I shaved a day or so before taking the pictures for ya! LOL

Home in Tanzania

I have settled into my new home here in Tanzania. I am renting a 3 bedroom house in Area C which is bit of a noisier and busier neighborhood, but I like it. There are lots of dukas and vegetable stands so its easy to run out and grab something. I have a night guard, Babu (grandfather in Kiswahili) who lives in a little room at the back of the property. It will take some time for me to get used to him being around all the time. He is married and has 4 children, but his village is a bit far so he can't stay there if he is working here.
This past week two of the girls from work, Pendo and Janeth helped me to buy all the things I needed for the house. I had to buy almost everything except furniture. I am so greatfull to them for helping me as they took a lot of stress from me. I didn't have to worry about finding stores that have what I need and then negotiating. I am quite sure they saved me a lot of money too.
So here are some pics of my new digs!

The front of my house.

My gate.

Another view of the front.

The back, including Babu's house.

My closet

My room.

One of the spare rooms.

The hallway, 2 bdrms and dining room on left, 1 bdrm, bthrm and kitchen on right.

Living room.

Observations of Life in Dodoma

I have been meaning to write more about my observations of life in Dodoma. I always notice things when I am walking to work, riding the dala dala, walking around the market or at work, but by the time I get somewhere where I can write it down I forget. I will try harder from here on out. Here is what I do remember for now :)

It is amazing the things that people will carry on their bikes; the number of people and/or objects on a motorbike; the weight of peoples loads (fruit in 2 baskets carried on a pole over their back or shoulders); the stack of goods on a cart usually pushed by only one person (not sure how they don’t crash more often cause I don’t understand how they know where to go as there is no way they can see) and so on. I am working on taking pictures of all this for a photo blog one day :)

I am also amazed at how color does not really mean anything here. I have lost count of how many school boys I have seen with pink Little Kitty backpacks and men in bright pink shirts.They walk tall and proud! I love it! I would love to see my nephews with those backpacks and my brother in a bright pink shirt that shines and glimmers in the sunlight.LOL

On Friday we had a meeting with the two groups that built sand dams last October. They have not been taking care of their sand dams and so we are trying to find out why and what the town council can or will do. So once again we are sitting in the shade of a random Baobab tree, where we always tend to have our meetings. I am thankful for the shade of the large trees and there is usually a breeze. I also always get a seat of honour, being a mzungu (even though I’m female). That means I get a chair, a bench or stool or even a pail to sit on. I am usually grateful to have something to sit on, but honestly, sometimes I think the ground would be more comfortable, depending on what the chair of honour is. But I smile, say thank you and suck it up. :)

What I noticed at this particular meeting was that there was some cattle dung laying around but nobody else seemed to notice. It was not that it smelled (I couldn’t smell it from where I was) but that occasionally someone would touch it with their feet. Most people here wear sandals and because of a lack of water, the heat and sand their feet are often very dry, weatherworn and cracked. All I could think of was how easy it would be to pick up some disease from the cattle dung. 

Another man sitting there on the ground in front of me had some rather large sores on his feet which were very attractive to the flies. Every time I looked (and I tried to stop looking!) there were flies crawling all over the sores. I was watching the flies go back and forth from the cattle dung to the open sores on his feet. It made me really sad, especially when he did not even flinch from the flies on his feet. Whenever there is a fly crawling on me anywhere it makes me flinch cause it kind of tickles. The people here are so used to having flies on them that I don’t think they even notice them. You know those sad commercials on TV that show children with flies on their faces and they don’t try to swat them away? Well, that is real, not just for the children but for everyone here. 

And to end on a happy note, I am hoping to move into my house this coming week!!!

Happy August Long Weekend Canadian Friends and Family!

I Suck @ Coming Up With Titles For These Things! LOL

Last week;

As I sit here writing I can hear the call for prayer from the mosque. It is interesting how some of the calls are quite peaceful and some are just downright annoying. This one here is very annoying! When I was staying at the hotel downtown the mosque near there had a beautiful call to prayer. It was a very calming and serene voice singing. I actually enjoyed it.

I am so grateful to be living here with Jasmine (we meet at Rivervalley Campsite in Iringa). I moved in with her just over a week ago and will stay for a few weeks. It feels good to be in a house where I have some space and it is nice to have someone to talk to at the end of the day. Still not quite my home and it may never be, but much better than the hotel! We are talking about living together and I think we could make it work, especially if I have a vehicle. We are somewhat at odds about where we want to live (but I am really starting to like this area of town). Our work places are at opposite ends of town so both want to live on opposite ends of town. It will sort out somehow.

I am now walking and taking the dala dala (the public transport here) to work and home. It is okay for now, but once the rainy season comes (which isn’t for 4 months at least) it may really suck. And if we are out in the villages late I can get someone to drive me home or at least part way so I am not out and about in the dark. I do find that for now the walk is quite relaxing. It wakes me up on the way and allows me to ‘debrief’ on the way home. It only takes about 40 mins each way. That sounds like a long time but for here it’s not. I walk for 5 mins, get a dala dala which takes me into town. After 10-15 mins I get off and then I walk from town to the church which is about another 15-20 mins.

Now that I am living with Jasmine I have had to make some adjustments. Until now I have rarely needed to use a squatty potty. I‘ve been fortunate enough to have a western style toilet. I must admit I was a bit worried about how I would adjust to that (mainly because of my crappy knees) but it is okay. I got used to it right away and my knees are okay with it. And it’s good to get comfortable with it in an environment I’m comfortable in because I know there will be many times I will need to use a squatty potty. (But I am not looking forward to when I get the runs next!)

I also have to get used to having a bucket bath every night as there is no hot water tank and it is not hot enough to take a cold water shower. I don’t mind bucket bathing but it is an adjustment to have the toilet and shower almost on top of each other. Other than these two things I am well settled in and am enjoying Jasmines company in the evenings.

Sunday night;

What  a good weekend! Spent the day yesterday with Jasmine and friends. We met Pendo (who I work with) and Rueben (he works with Jasmine and is from Germany) for a nice long brunch and then went and got groceries. Then we headed home for an hour before heading over to Chloe’s house for waffles! I never thought I would eat such yummy waffles here in Dodoma! It was good to just hang out, laugh while Chloe cut Jasmines hair, share how we are feeling and curse a little.

Today I got up ‘early’ around 8am and went for a good bike ride with Jasmine and Groth (Tanzanian friend of Jasmines) before it got hot. Well, I biked and they jogged. It felt really good and I am going to start going with Jasmine when she goes for a run (and I will bike). I am really starting to like it over here in area C. I like the noise and the people and there are some great little dukas  (stores) and vegetable stands here that I have not seen on the other side of town where I was thinking of living.

I spent I nice ‘quiet’ afternoon today editing photos from the last few months, making dinner and reading magazines. It was especially nice and quiet when the power went off for a few hours in the middle of the afternoon :). I also had a really good chat with Jeff and Carissa on Skype. Even talked to Jack and Beckett for a few minutes. They are so funny those little guys! Jeff said he asked Beckett earlier if he wanted to talk to his aunty Jodi and he said yes. When they sat down at the computer he goes, “No not on the computer again!” and walks away!. And there is no way of convincing him to do something he does not want to do, so I was surprised when he eventually came and said HI close to the end of the call. Jack told me all about his birthday party that he had yesterday. It felt good to hear their voices and that they are having a good summer so far!

I am still feeling homesick and that I just want to go home and see my family and friends and go back to my normal life. But then I think, why? It’s not like I was truly happy with my ‘normal’ life back home either.  And besides, I know I can be happy here if I just give a chance. I really have only been in Dodoma for more than a few weeks  at a time yet so of course I feel unsettled and uncertain. Also the ‘honeymoon’ phase is over and reality is settling in. Just like a marriage, I need to give it time, work on it, communicate and be honest with those around me and myself.

Also I have not done anything tangible yet which for me is not normal. I am such a go getter and get things done kinda person. To not have started anything or really done anything yet is not my normal. I have been here for over 5 months. But,  I am still very much in the learning phase and with time I will be able to contribute.  Not only did I need to learn the language, but I also need to learn about the culture and agriculture here. I just need to be patient with myself!

So I think I’ll stay for a little while longer :)

Reality Check

Friday  was a good day but also had a bit of a reality check that morning. I went with the team to the hospital to visit one of the fundi’s  (mason) from Kawawa  (one of the sub-villages of Zuzu which we work in). It was so shocking and appalling for me to see the state of the hospital and the poor condition this man is in. This is my second time going to Miremba Hospital and it is very disturbing. It is known as the mental hospital but this man was there for other reasons. I know this sounds cynical but I would have automatically suspected he has HIV/AIDS because it is quite prevalent here and people are ashamed to admit it. I can understand that. What was even more sad is that his family and friends did not have enough money to pay for the proper medicine to treat his condition and so there is a good chance he may die. (Everyone in the sub-village and us came together to find the money for his treatment so there is hope).  It is amazing how many people die from diseases that are easily treatable like malaria here. I know two people who have lost a child to malaria in the last year. This sadness helps to reinforce why  I am here, even though I am very homesick right now and sort of want to go home! If I do go home I will not be giving my whole self to my heart and giving in to temptation. I will be giving up and I don’t give up! Otherwise I would not be who I am and where I am today!