Finding Peace

Since I made the decision to leave Tanzania last August I have been trying to come to terms with that decision and to make my peace with it. I finally have! I don't know when it happened but I have realized that over the last few weeks I have been feeling something different!  I still don't know exactly what I'm feeling or why, but I know a part of it is a sense of peace of where I am and with the decisions I have made. I know now without any hesitation that I did the right thing.
I can't imagine not having been here last fall as both my grandmothers left this life to be with their husbands in heaven. Even though I had already said "Goodbye" to them both, being here at the end for them and afterwards for my parents was so needed (and for me too). There are lots of other little things too, like seeing my niece and nephews grow up. Had I not returned home I most likely would not have ever seen Taylor play volleyball again, which is something that is so important to her! And to me too! I got to watch Jack's first season of hockey and hope to make to a ball game before the season is over. Thankfully Beckett will still cuddle with me even though he'll be in grade one in the fall!
Even though I have made peace finally with my decisions, I still occasionally ask myself "Have I done the right thing, made the right choices?" I not only ask this regarding my decision to come home from Tanzania (or to have even gone there in the first place) but for most major decisions I have made in life. I often feel like I am still searching for something but not really sure what that something is. I am happy and content most days, but yet not really cause I'm still looking for that something better. That something that will give me a deep sense of fulfillment. I wonder if I will ever find it. Maybe I need to not be so focused on that something way out there and bring myself in a little closer to what is within reach?
Do you ever feel like your just living but not really with that deep sense of fulfillment? Do you wonder "What if...?" If so, how do you put it aside and be okay with today and tomorrow as it is?

Where Are We?

Here are a few photos and I want you to guess where we are! Some of them may be here in Saskatchewan and some of them may not be :) Good Luck. I'll post the answers in a week or two.

There's an Aquarium in my Tummy!

Seriously! I think after eating seafood twice a day for four days there is an aquarium in my tummy! LOL
Aside from the great weather here in Fort Lauderdale the fresh seafood and fruit are the next best things. I have been gorging on both, particularly the seafood. Fish tacos, sushi, crab-legs and crab cakes, calamari, salmon, oysters and clams :) mmm...
Now if this stupid sunburn would just go away...

Wedding Bliss

Fort Lauderdale Beach

What a wonderful wedding it was :)
Oh, don't worry anyone, it wasn't mine! I am chilling out at the beach in Fort Lauderdale for the weekend and as luck would have it I was a 'part' of a wedding at the restaurant I was having supper at. I never did met the couple before or after the ceremony but chatted with few of their guests so got all the details. I was also sitting at a prime table with a great view of the sidewalk and the ceremony. So here's the scoop:

Pina Colada :)  mmm..

They are in their late 20's and meet a few years ago in Fort Lauderdale. She is from Ecuador and he is from Romania. He learnt Spanish just for her and is now fluent. They live in Fort Lauderdale and choose to get married near where they meet. I like to imagine that they met at Cafe Del Mar and that is why they choose to have their ceremony and celebration there (aside from great drinks, food and live music). I was also told that the 20 or so people celebrating with the couple are from all over; Ecuador, Romania (obviously), Columbia, Mexico, USA, Canada (cause I was there) and possibly more countries. The world really is small and connected these days.

Anyways, the whole point is to say who knows what life will bring us and where we will find it!

The newly married couple

Really?!? Again !?!

What is it about me and attracting the weird dudes? I must put out some crazy vibes or else its just bad karma. I was not surprised to have a few of 'run-ins' with men while I was living in Tanzania, but really, I'm in Cologne for only 5 days and as luck would have it I attract one of those men? I am on my 3 night here and I realized that I am acting like I'm still in Africa or another 3rd world country where I have to be in my dark. So tonight I go for dinner (and it's not late at all, only around 6pm). I have myself a few Kolch ( the local beer) and a nice German meal. Before I know it, some man who barely speaks English sits down and buys me a drink. In the short conversation I have with him I learn that he is twice divorced, once to a Thai women and once to a Russian. That can't be good!!! I try to be nice, make up some lie about meeting some people from work soon and get the heck out there!
Really?!?! Did this really happen? Of course it did, cause that just seems to be the story of my life, no matter where I am, what I'm doing or what country I'm in :)

Awe

Laying on the ground to get this.

I arrived in Cologne, Germany this morning. The skies are grey and the weather cool and dreary but yet my heart is filled with light. The first thing I did this morning was go to the Cathedral for Sunday Mass. I was in AWE of God's grace and power! While sitting there in this amazing building waiting for the mass to begin I could feel the power of God all around me. The structure and size and details of the building demand your reverence to Him. I can't imagine how they were able to build this Cathedral 500 years ago except that is was His will. The awe and fear that it must have instilled in others over the years would be great. I can't imagine walking up to the doors 100 years ago, much less 500 years ago. The spires loom above you as you can see from this picture I took today.

Can't make it all fit.

The details are stunning.

I think I am struggling to put into words what I felt while sitting there. I felt like I was surrounded by power, love, reverence, grace and so much more. And then the bells rang and the pipe organ began. It was the final piece of power and beauty. And was a peaceful way to start my week here in Cologne.

New Year, New Beginings

I have to admit I really miss blogging! I never expected that to happen to me at all. I know it has been quite a few months since I've last been here, but I figure better late then never :)
Things have been going really well for me. There are definitely ups and downs, with some days being better and easier than others. Most days I feel really good, and feel strong, but of course there are still days where I struggle and all I want to do is lay in bed and cry. Thankfully those days are getting less frequent with time. Counseling has been really good and it is amazing how things that you thought you dealt with come out again.
I also feel my faith in God is restrengthening. I don't know why but in that short time I was in Africa  I felt my faith weakening. It was something I was really struggling with and will write about in more details another day.
I was lucky to find a job shortly after coming home, so have been working since the end of October. I am working for Control Union Canada. I am the only employee East of the Rockies so work from home. I am working primarily as an auditor for sustainability, feed and food certification programs, but am also doing market research. So far it has been really good and soon will be getting really busy. I will be doing a lot of traveling across the prairies which will give me a chance to see a lot of my own country. I am sure I will be taking lots of pictures!
So also in keeping with the New Year I will be making some changes to the blog itself to reflect more this stage of my life. So I am just going to leave this post super simple so I can do some work on the blog itself :)

Around Dodoma

Normally I would put captions on the pictures but I think for today I will let them speak for themselves. All the pictures are from Dodoma and I took them in my last few days there.Some of them are a little blurry because I was sneaking most of the pics, especially in the market :)

Farewell but not Goodbye

I have been riding an emotional rollercoaster the last 2 weeks. I spent over a week in Iringa with Kerrie at Rivervalley Campsite. Spending time there and with Kerrie helped me to rebuild some strength. I was too busy being in help mode to think or feel anything about myself. In fact, I was feeling so much stronger that I was actually starting to second guess myself and thought maybe I should have waited just a little bit longer before making a decision. But then the next day I totally broke down again and was crying and had no idea why. That clarified for me that I have most definitely made the right decision.

I am now back in Dodoma saying 'Farewell' but not 'Goodbye' as I know that I will be back again, even if it is just to visit. There really is something about Africa, the culture and especially the people that makes it so hard to leave. I now understand why my Aunty Louise stayed for so long, just like so many others.

I am staying strong through it all right now but I know the dam wall that I have been able to rebuild is not very strong and is full of cracks. It is only a matter of time before it gets washed away again. I only hope and pray that the dam wall lasts until I get home.

I will continue to post once I return home as I have so many in my head and so many more pictures and stories to share with you all. Thank you for your love, support and prayers thus far :)

Difficult Decisions

There is no easy way for me to tell you this, so I am just going to put it out there. I am coming home in 2 weeks. Those of you who know me well know that I have been struggled with depression for a very long time. I have really been struggling with it the last few months and it has gotten to the point where it is getting worse with every week that passes. This has been one of the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make, even more difficult than the decision to come to Tanzania. But I am at a point where I cannot continue this battle on my own. I need help which I cannot get here and I need to return home so I can figure out what is wrong with me.

I think one of the hardest parts of this is that I am happy! Life in Dodoma is slowly growing on me, I love the people I work with, and I love my work! Yet despite this, there is a sadness deep inside me that will not go away. I cry at the drop of a hat, wake up most mornings with a wet pillow from crying in my sleep and struggle to get out of bed. I don’t know where this sadness is coming from and it is getting stronger as time passes. I am eating healthy, exercising, spending time with friends and I even increased my medication, but it is not helping. It breaks my heart to leave here just as I am getting started with my work, but I have to put myself first.

The people around me here in Tanzania have been amazing and so supportive. I do not think I would have made it this far without them or been able to make this difficult decision. Thank You TIffanee and Albert, Jasmine and Chloe, all who are in Dodoma; Mike and Maguy and Lisa in Arusha; and to my 2^nd family in Iringa, Amanda, Will and Kerrie, including the dancing crew, George, Maria, Goze and Janneke!

I don't know when, but I will be back again, at least to visit!

Bugs

Termites busy in the office.

 And here is a taste of what bugs such as fleas and mosquitoes can do to your feet around here :) And yes, it's really ITCHY!!

Yup, that is what my left and right feet and lower legs look like right now. At least I shaved a day or so before taking the pictures for ya! LOL

Home in Tanzania

I have settled into my new home here in Tanzania. I am renting a 3 bedroom house in Area C which is bit of a noisier and busier neighborhood, but I like it. There are lots of dukas and vegetable stands so its easy to run out and grab something. I have a night guard, Babu (grandfather in Kiswahili) who lives in a little room at the back of the property. It will take some time for me to get used to him being around all the time. He is married and has 4 children, but his village is a bit far so he can't stay there if he is working here.
This past week two of the girls from work, Pendo and Janeth helped me to buy all the things I needed for the house. I had to buy almost everything except furniture. I am so greatfull to them for helping me as they took a lot of stress from me. I didn't have to worry about finding stores that have what I need and then negotiating. I am quite sure they saved me a lot of money too.
So here are some pics of my new digs!

The front of my house.

My gate.

Another view of the front.

The back, including Babu's house.

My closet

My room.

One of the spare rooms.

The hallway, 2 bdrms and dining room on left, 1 bdrm, bthrm and kitchen on right.

Living room.

Observations of Life in Dodoma

I have been meaning to write more about my observations of life in Dodoma. I always notice things when I am walking to work, riding the dala dala, walking around the market or at work, but by the time I get somewhere where I can write it down I forget. I will try harder from here on out. Here is what I do remember for now :)

It is amazing the things that people will carry on their bikes; the number of people and/or objects on a motorbike; the weight of peoples loads (fruit in 2 baskets carried on a pole over their back or shoulders); the stack of goods on a cart usually pushed by only one person (not sure how they don’t crash more often cause I don’t understand how they know where to go as there is no way they can see) and so on. I am working on taking pictures of all this for a photo blog one day :)

I am also amazed at how color does not really mean anything here. I have lost count of how many school boys I have seen with pink Little Kitty backpacks and men in bright pink shirts.They walk tall and proud! I love it! I would love to see my nephews with those backpacks and my brother in a bright pink shirt that shines and glimmers in the sunlight.LOL

On Friday we had a meeting with the two groups that built sand dams last October. They have not been taking care of their sand dams and so we are trying to find out why and what the town council can or will do. So once again we are sitting in the shade of a random Baobab tree, where we always tend to have our meetings. I am thankful for the shade of the large trees and there is usually a breeze. I also always get a seat of honour, being a mzungu (even though I’m female). That means I get a chair, a bench or stool or even a pail to sit on. I am usually grateful to have something to sit on, but honestly, sometimes I think the ground would be more comfortable, depending on what the chair of honour is. But I smile, say thank you and suck it up. :)

What I noticed at this particular meeting was that there was some cattle dung laying around but nobody else seemed to notice. It was not that it smelled (I couldn’t smell it from where I was) but that occasionally someone would touch it with their feet. Most people here wear sandals and because of a lack of water, the heat and sand their feet are often very dry, weatherworn and cracked. All I could think of was how easy it would be to pick up some disease from the cattle dung. 

Another man sitting there on the ground in front of me had some rather large sores on his feet which were very attractive to the flies. Every time I looked (and I tried to stop looking!) there were flies crawling all over the sores. I was watching the flies go back and forth from the cattle dung to the open sores on his feet. It made me really sad, especially when he did not even flinch from the flies on his feet. Whenever there is a fly crawling on me anywhere it makes me flinch cause it kind of tickles. The people here are so used to having flies on them that I don’t think they even notice them. You know those sad commercials on TV that show children with flies on their faces and they don’t try to swat them away? Well, that is real, not just for the children but for everyone here. 

And to end on a happy note, I am hoping to move into my house this coming week!!!

Happy August Long Weekend Canadian Friends and Family!

I Suck @ Coming Up With Titles For These Things! LOL

Last week;

As I sit here writing I can hear the call for prayer from the mosque. It is interesting how some of the calls are quite peaceful and some are just downright annoying. This one here is very annoying! When I was staying at the hotel downtown the mosque near there had a beautiful call to prayer. It was a very calming and serene voice singing. I actually enjoyed it.

I am so grateful to be living here with Jasmine (we meet at Rivervalley Campsite in Iringa). I moved in with her just over a week ago and will stay for a few weeks. It feels good to be in a house where I have some space and it is nice to have someone to talk to at the end of the day. Still not quite my home and it may never be, but much better than the hotel! We are talking about living together and I think we could make it work, especially if I have a vehicle. We are somewhat at odds about where we want to live (but I am really starting to like this area of town). Our work places are at opposite ends of town so both want to live on opposite ends of town. It will sort out somehow.

I am now walking and taking the dala dala (the public transport here) to work and home. It is okay for now, but once the rainy season comes (which isn’t for 4 months at least) it may really suck. And if we are out in the villages late I can get someone to drive me home or at least part way so I am not out and about in the dark. I do find that for now the walk is quite relaxing. It wakes me up on the way and allows me to ‘debrief’ on the way home. It only takes about 40 mins each way. That sounds like a long time but for here it’s not. I walk for 5 mins, get a dala dala which takes me into town. After 10-15 mins I get off and then I walk from town to the church which is about another 15-20 mins.

Now that I am living with Jasmine I have had to make some adjustments. Until now I have rarely needed to use a squatty potty. I‘ve been fortunate enough to have a western style toilet. I must admit I was a bit worried about how I would adjust to that (mainly because of my crappy knees) but it is okay. I got used to it right away and my knees are okay with it. And it’s good to get comfortable with it in an environment I’m comfortable in because I know there will be many times I will need to use a squatty potty. (But I am not looking forward to when I get the runs next!)

I also have to get used to having a bucket bath every night as there is no hot water tank and it is not hot enough to take a cold water shower. I don’t mind bucket bathing but it is an adjustment to have the toilet and shower almost on top of each other. Other than these two things I am well settled in and am enjoying Jasmines company in the evenings.

Sunday night;

What  a good weekend! Spent the day yesterday with Jasmine and friends. We met Pendo (who I work with) and Rueben (he works with Jasmine and is from Germany) for a nice long brunch and then went and got groceries. Then we headed home for an hour before heading over to Chloe’s house for waffles! I never thought I would eat such yummy waffles here in Dodoma! It was good to just hang out, laugh while Chloe cut Jasmines hair, share how we are feeling and curse a little.

Today I got up ‘early’ around 8am and went for a good bike ride with Jasmine and Groth (Tanzanian friend of Jasmines) before it got hot. Well, I biked and they jogged. It felt really good and I am going to start going with Jasmine when she goes for a run (and I will bike). I am really starting to like it over here in area C. I like the noise and the people and there are some great little dukas  (stores) and vegetable stands here that I have not seen on the other side of town where I was thinking of living.

I spent I nice ‘quiet’ afternoon today editing photos from the last few months, making dinner and reading magazines. It was especially nice and quiet when the power went off for a few hours in the middle of the afternoon :). I also had a really good chat with Jeff and Carissa on Skype. Even talked to Jack and Beckett for a few minutes. They are so funny those little guys! Jeff said he asked Beckett earlier if he wanted to talk to his aunty Jodi and he said yes. When they sat down at the computer he goes, “No not on the computer again!” and walks away!. And there is no way of convincing him to do something he does not want to do, so I was surprised when he eventually came and said HI close to the end of the call. Jack told me all about his birthday party that he had yesterday. It felt good to hear their voices and that they are having a good summer so far!

I am still feeling homesick and that I just want to go home and see my family and friends and go back to my normal life. But then I think, why? It’s not like I was truly happy with my ‘normal’ life back home either.  And besides, I know I can be happy here if I just give a chance. I really have only been in Dodoma for more than a few weeks  at a time yet so of course I feel unsettled and uncertain. Also the ‘honeymoon’ phase is over and reality is settling in. Just like a marriage, I need to give it time, work on it, communicate and be honest with those around me and myself.

Also I have not done anything tangible yet which for me is not normal. I am such a go getter and get things done kinda person. To not have started anything or really done anything yet is not my normal. I have been here for over 5 months. But,  I am still very much in the learning phase and with time I will be able to contribute.  Not only did I need to learn the language, but I also need to learn about the culture and agriculture here. I just need to be patient with myself!

So I think I’ll stay for a little while longer :)